I haven’t been keeping up writing very well recently. I’ve been so busy with schoolwork, trying to get papers in, and study for tests and so many other things. School has been intense this semester, but I think I enjoy the challenge… sometimes!
This weekend I won’t be writing at all, because i’m going on a church retreat. I’ve not been on a actual “Retreat” in forever. So i’m a little nervous about it. What will it be like? Will I like the people? Will I be open to the messages that we’re learning? I certainly don’t want to feel like this halfway through the weekend:
I was talking to a lady from church while in the food store last week (yes, we ran into each other.. an interesting place to converse).. And she was saying that she was praying and expecting certain things from the retreat. She was hoping to get more clarity about a situation in her life and wanting guidance and another perspective. Since she said that, I’ve been thinking about expectations. Expectations in general, for school, for work, for home-life, for what it will be like when I finally get a fur-kid… all of that stuff. And then of course expectations about something like a retreat.
Are expectations healthy? Do they set us up for disappointment and disillusionment when they don’t follow through? Or are they positive and do they give us goals to work toward and an end result in sight?
I’ve toggled back and forth between the two opinions about expectations the last few days and sill haven’t decided. I’ve tried to think of some expectations or some goals that I have for this retreat, but I honestly just want to hear from God. Despite wanting to hear from God, I also feel unprepared to hear from Him. This week was so busy that I scarcely read my Bible or prayed. I did in moments early in the morning, but when it’s so early, a few minutes later I forget what i’ve read. I’ve prayed on the way to and from different places. I had to make a 4 hour drive this week (to and from somewhere 2 hours each way) and I felt like I got in some good prayer/praise time.
But is that enough? Is it enough for my heart and mind and spirit to be open to whatever God has to say? I don’t know.
I love how when I have doubts or I feel unprepared for something, I worry as if God isn’t big enough to surpass my failures and my faults. He can reach through to anything. However I do know that it’s up to me to be receptive. I know this from tons of experiences of sitting in church with a hard heart, rolling my eyes at the sermons because I don’t want to hear what’s being said… which happens more often than i want to happen. My humanity gets the best of me sometimes. God can surpass those this weekend right? He’s bigger than my humanity, and stubbornness and sin.
He’s bigger than any of my crap.