I really struggled with whether or not to write today. On one hand, I want to write to tell you about my weekend, because it was fantastic and on the other hand, I risk being totally authentic and exposed before everyone. So, since the reason not to write was about me, I decided to go ahead and write… why be selfish?
I’ve not talked about religion or God or Christ much in here. They’re a huge part of my life, but honestly, it’s an awkward subject for me to write or talk about. While I let God infuse every decision I make and every part of my life, I guess I leave Him out of the social media, talkative part of my life. I don’t want to come off as too religious. I don’t want to fall into where every post I make is about Him. I have a lot of friends who don’t even believe in Him and I don’t want to make them uncomfortable. I want them to know, that i’m still a cool chick, that I still love and accept them no matter what they believe. Again, Do you see the pattern? It’s about me. What people think about Me, what I want them to think about ME, to show how open-minded I am… So why be so selfish? I’m going to write about Him anyway today. I’m tired of hiding Him… He needs to shine.
Speaking of being His, I want you to know that I wasn’t always this way. I still am not always this way. Following Christ is a choice I have to make every day. I don’t enjoy it all the time. In fact, I hate being a Christian the majority of the time. It’s so hard. I hate that I feel compelled to follow Him and that I’m angry at Him because the things I want to do, the people i’m attracted to, the way that would be so much easier for me to live isn’t acceptable to Him. And yet, at the end of the day when I’ve tried everything else to fulfill me, I realize that I have nothing, that I am nothing and that the things that I want do not fulfill me, but only leave me empty. I learn that He is the only way. He’s the only Love I could ever want… and my anger melts away and turns to brokenness and repentance.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Psalm 51:17
So, This weekend one of the key messages that hit me was “If God wanted kept you in the place you’re in for the rest of your life for His purpose, would you be okay with that?” I thought about that all weekend and at the end of Saturday night, I finally came to the conclusion that yes, yes I would be okay with that. I kept that conclusion until Sunday night.
You have to understand, Friday, Saturday night and Sunday I tried to do an online test. I printed out all the power points, extra readings, I reread through them all. I reread through the book. I printed out the test, marked each answer and studied the material to make sure each answer was right. I even coincided each answer with a page number and underlined it in the text. It took me hours. By midnight Sunday night (or Monday morning, depending on your perspective), after a long weekend at a retreat and doing this online test, I was ready to submit it. I went through and typed my answers in online and submitted the test. To my dismay I got the results back and got over half the test wrong.
Anger and frustration filled me. HOW?! How did this happen? I tried SO HARD. I was so tired. I was so worn out. I looked at the paper test in my hand as tears rolled down my face. I know i’m being dramatic… I thought. I couldn’t help it. It seemed like at that moment, I forgot everything I had heard at the retreat, my anger built, after hours of working on this test, after looking up and making sure every answer was right, after all the work I put into it, I did the readings on time, I attended class, it was an online, open book test for goodness sake! How the HELL did I get all these answers wrong on it?! Curse words started to fly out my mouth and come to mind as if I hadn’t just attended church that day, twice, morning and night. Tears of frustration fell down my face. I took the test in my hands and ripped it to shreds. Ripping and ripping and ripping. I hate where I am! I HATE school! I hate this! Forget this crap. I’m not doing it anymore. I hate all the effort I put in.. and for what?! I continued shredding. By 1 am I was exhausted and angry. Tears still streaming down my face, I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and turned off all the lights. I stumbled around in the dark towards the bed. I slipped in bed. Who needs pajamas? I thought Pajamas are stupid.
Right before I closed my eyes to go to sleep, with tears streaming on my pillow, I remembered this weekend. I remembered what we had learned. I remembered that our pastor had asked us “If you were right where you are for the rest of your life for the Glory of God would you be okay with that?” And suddenly, in the midst of the night, in the midst of my anger, frustration, tears, and sin… I knew my answer.
Lord, help me be okay with it. Change my heart.