Depleted of Spoons.

I haven’t been very faithful to you guys. I’ve tried to write several times last week and every time, I happen to be short on time. I’m short on time right now as we speak. Last week was busy. I didn’t let myself sit down and have free time because every time I came to write, I realized that there was another project, another paper, another THING I should be working on and getting ready for. I pushed myself in school last week and I think it paid off.

I also pushed myself this weekend. I worked as a counselor in Disciple Now, a program at our church that helps young people, age middle school through high school, find God and reconnect with Him again. I counseled with two other girls. We had 6 high school girls all together and each of them used a different mode of communication, whether it was American Sign Language, voicing, or both… It was a fun weekend.Amazing really! All the girls were so fun and sweet! I had so much fun, but it was quite taxing though.

Since then, i’ve not had many spoons left. If you’re not familiar with the Spoon Theory, please do read this.  I’ve felt exhausted since I got home on Sunday. In fact, I felt so exhausted that I hadn’t left my house until this morning, Tuesday morning to go to the gym, which turned out to be a bad life choice.

Sunday afternoon I got home and immediately started washing dishes, cleaning the counters and thinking about what I would cook that night. An hour before, I sat in Applebees after a week of little sleep and fell asleep on my Grilled Chicken Salad, which I asked for NO seasoning on, since i cannot have salt due to my disease, Meniere’s Disease. Meniere’s Disease is a disease characterized by bouts of vertigo due to an overflow of fluid in the inner ear and sensorineural hearing loss. This is why I diet and exercise as my lifestyle, to keep myself from experiencing vertigo. This is also why I used American Sign Language as a frequent mode of communication, because I’m hard of hearing. I’ll talk about that more in another blog someday.

Anyways, I still hadn’t stopped going and was was cleaning dishes, I looked up and my world spun just a little bit. It will go away, I thought. Usually I feel dizziness for just a moment and it goes away. I haven’t had a real vertigo attack in over a year. I turned my head to get something to wipe off the counter. My world spun. I ignored it. It will go away next time I move. I began wiping the counter down and scrubbing. My whole head shook, my balance teetered, my body went hot and cold all over. Nausea hit me. Oh no, it’s happening. I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and lay on the floor. I was afraid to move.

Fear of relapsing and fear of my disease becoming active again filled me. No, No, NO! I heard a sound. I had said that out loud. Panic hit me. I took a deep breath to calm down.

I stumbled my way up the stairs to my upstairs neighbors. I went through their house and straight to Tracey’s room. “I need you to bring me to the store. I need to get Dramamine. It needs to stop. I’m dizzy.” James came and got me and lead me back to the couch. I sat down.

Eventually we got the store, I found my meds and Tracey brought me home. I carefully took my meds, making sure to not tilt my head one way or the other. I kept my eyes fastened on one object in my room. I tore my clothes off, afraid to move to put pajamas on and got in bed. Nausea filled me. I closed my eyes and lay down.

I slept for hours. I woke up feeling better but still exhausted and off balance. I went back to sleep around 11:00 pm and woke up at 10:00 am the next morning. I tried to get up to exercise, because my dizziness was gone. But I was too tired, depleted of spoons. I remained tired for the rest of the day and perked up a little last night.

I don’t know what possessed me to go to crossfit this morning or why I thought that was a good idea but I went. And though it was the easiest workout we’ve had in a long time, I crawled and struggled through it. I sweated. At one point I voiced “i’m gonna throw up” and ran to the bathroom. My body wasn’t ready for this. I used up all my spoons to do crossfit and now today i’m just plain tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep tonight. It hurts to think about tomorrow… will I have enough spoons to get up at 5:00 am and drive 2 hours to work? I hope so…

I’ll try to write again soon. Want to talk to you guys about Switched at Birth and this past weekend and all the amazing things God is doing…

Thanks for listening to me rant! Miss you guys!

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About scarmich

A girl in her 20's looking at love, life, and laughter in the mundane.

One response to “Depleted of Spoons.

  1. mom

    The Spoon Theory is a great reminder to those of us who take even the simple things in life for granted. However, I want to commend you for giving of yourself this weekend so young people would be encouraged in their Faith. I’m sure, you ran out of spoons as the demand of your time and energy were out of your control. But God is in control Boo and I know that He is with you. I Love You and feel Blessed to be your Mom!!!

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