I sat in my counselor’s office this past Tuesday morning… we had a theological conversation about the things that life gives and how everyone has one thing they need to work on that keeps them from Christ… Addictions, lust, idolatry… etc. He looked at me “what is yours, Sara? What keeps you from Christ?”
I thought deeply. I have a lot of stuff to sift through. I wasn’t even sure how to answer that.. and then suddenly I knew. “Trust”. A surprised look appeared on his face. Knowing that I could have said a million things. “TRUST’ what the one thing I said. I went onto explain my reasoning by handing over my schedule I had so carefully made up in an excel file and color-coated.
“When I look at that schedule I start to panic. I want to go into fetal position and pretend that nothing else exists. I want to shut down. But my shutting down shows lack of trust, so I try with my whole heart to trust Him that He will help me work through this schedule.” I smiled.
Hours later, I received an email from a professor with our class syllabus attached. For some reason, this semester my teachers haven’t been putting their syllabi on blackboard. So excited, I opened the syllabus to work in the studying into my schedule… Excited about this class and this new school year.
And then I read through it. Really read through it.
This must be what the professor said as he sent the email:
“At LEAST 25 hours of outside volunteer work must be completed to receive full class credit.”
I read through the list of activities:
After school program
Thursday night meetings
Other volunteer work.
I looked down at the syllabus calmly. “I can do this. I can totally do this. Let me just get my schedule”.
I looked at my schedule…
After school program? I work till 5 every day.
Thursday night meetings? I have class every Thursday night till 9
Saturday conferences? I’m already involved in 2 conferences/activities in the next month.
Other volunteer work: Times to be announced.
My palms got all hot and beads of sweat formed at my brow. That whole trust discussion from that morning flew out the door and my “surely I can do this.. I can do this” attitude turned to “When can I do this?” became “how will I do this?” further evolved to “Oh my gosh.. I can’t do this”… To me flailing my arms around going “I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!!”
And of course, Mass hysterical Crying ensued.
“I feel insane, I feel insane, I feel insane” The repetitive sentence poured out of my mouth in high pitches as tears dripped onto my planner, smearing the events already written in there. I am so glad that I live alone…
And then I started laughing. Hysterically laughing. Just like a lunatic.. because really? This whole Trusting God thing really is being put to the test. God is showing me how much I just don’t trust Him and how insane I act when I don’t.
I eventually calmed down.
I left my planner and the syllabus in my study room for the rest of the day and pretended that school really didn’t start tomorrow. Because if school starts tomorrow that means I may have to drop that class and I really don’t want to because that’s not MY plan… MY plan is to get these extra classes to take the test that I want to be able to get a credential that I have sensed that God wants me to have.
And I finally lay in bed last night and realized… That it isn’t about me at all. This life isn’t even mine. It’s His. HE makes my plans, and establishes my steps and leads me as long as I TRUST Him and make Him first. As long as I follow Him.
This life isn’t mine.
So much so, that I get to give it back to Him when I meet Him again.
“The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9