I sat in church today filled with a longing that I tend to suppress, push down, or fill with other things.
I sat there with tears in my eyes listening so intently. I couldn’t help it. I wanted to stand up in the middle of the sermon and listen on my feet. And then I wanted to run down to the alter and listen on my knees. I wanted to cry out “AMEN”. “I NEED THAT!”
“Blessed are those who are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord.
Blessed are those who keep His statutes and seek Him with all of their heart-
They do no wrong but follow His ways…
How can a young person stay on the path of purity?
By living according to Your word.
I seek You with all my heart;
Do not let me stray from your commands!”
Psalm 119:1-3, 9-10.
I sat there with my heart breaking, in a sense. “How do I seek him with my WHOLE heart? How do I do that?”
By living according to His word…
How do I know what’s in His word??
By studying it
I thought about how much I try to live according to His word. I thought back to the sermons that I’ve heard in the past few months, about how it’s not what we do on the outside but the inside… How it’s the love of Christ and His blood alone that transforms us inside-out!
“You cannot white-knuckle your way through good behavior!” Matt Chandler says, “It’s the product of a transformed heart through His Son that makes you acceptable and righteous!”.
I Can’t DO IT!
Oh Lord, You do it for me!
And He does… Because I seek Him and still get lost.
“I have strayed like a lost sheep,Seek your servant,
for I have not forgotten your commands.” Psalm 119:176
I want Him to seek me! I want to Seek Him! I want to want Him more than I want your approval! I want to love Him more than I love people! I want HIM. I WANT Him! I WANT to WANT Him!
“If someone took your Bible away this week… how would your week change compared to last week? Would you grieve for it? Would you cry? Would you notice?” I heard Pastor Hollie’s voice booming from the alter and saw it translated to sign language and through my eyes and ears, my heart was hit. Hit like a ton of bricks.
And it occurred to me… That if someone took facebook away this week, my week would be drastically different compared to last week.
But if someone took my Bible away, maybe the only thing that would be different is the 15 minutes I spend reading it on some mornings.
That truth hurts. So much. It’s so hard to admit. I want people more than I want Him. I want approval from others… while I already HAVE His! I don’t need anything else but Him! HE needs to be enough.
Right now, in my life, He’s not, because I’m not letting Him be.
So that’s why I’m writing this blog and posting it to Facebook, because… I’m leaving facebook for a while. I was going to give facebook up for Lent, but decided that Lent is too long to wait. I need to be obedient now. It cannot wait. My soul cannot wait. My spirit cannot wait.
“As the deer pants for the streams of water, Oh my soul pants for You, Oh God! My Soul LONGS for God.. the Living God!”
I want to want that. I want to yearn for Him. I want to Need Him. I want to breath in His life-giving, breath-taking, life-changing, jaw-dropping, knee-bending, scandalous grace and love. I need it. I need it.
So I’m going for a while. I don’t know when I’ll be back. If you need to get in touch with me…just email me (firstname.lastname@example.org) or text me. I may write a few more blogs during the time I’m away. Depends on what He releases me to do.
But this has to happen. And it’s going to be hard, because.. the first thing I look at is FB and the the last thing I look at is FB… I need a heart-change.
Love you all…