I sat there in my car. tears falling out of the clouds and onto my newly washed car. I silently thanked God I had only done the five dollar car wash the day before. I pulled the car up and in park I numbly sat there.
Time after time again people have pulled me aside “Sara, Are you sure this is the right decision? I don’t want to see you hurt”
“Sara, how are you doing with this?”
“Sara, You need… “
“Sara, Have you prayed?”
“Sara… Sara… Sara… “
The voices overwhelmed me.
Then there was my own voice. I want to do this. I am excited to do this. I’ve talked about it, planned it, taken the appropriate steps to do it.
And then I think about what everyone else says and waves of indecision wash over me.
You know what I mean, don’t you? It comes in waves. Tidal waves crashing in. The pressure builds up in your heart, in your chest, in your mind, in your soul… and every time someone asks you “how are you doing with that?”…you want to explode, because it’s not the first time you’ve heard it that day. It’s been in your heart. In tidal waves. All. day. long.
But you instead just say “I don’t really know”.
I’m a people pleaser. I want people around me happy with my decisions and what i’m doing. This is my greatest character flaw. In fact, my need to please people is so bad that it has become my greatest source of self-hate. That moment when you go make a decision that you want to and then think “crap, I can’t do that because… someone won’t like it… I hate myself.”
It’s why I don’t share politics.
It’s why I don’t discuss religion.
It’s why half of you don’t really know my background.
It’s why… It’s why… It’s why.
So I sat there in my car watching the tears fall from heaven and tasted my own saltiness on my lips.
“Lord I know what they want. I know what I want. But what do you want?”
I waited in silence.
I could feel the rain lick harder on the top of the car as my shoulders began to shake.
“What do You want? What do You want? What do You want? What do You want?…”I said it so many times I was speaking gibberish.
I tried to quiet the voices in my head. Mine. Theirs. What does God say? What does God say?! I don’t know.
“Lord I need You. Lord I need Your strength. I need You. I need You. What’s Your will? If Your will is the same as mine… then give me strength! If Your will is different, then make it crystal clear and give me strength! No matter what I do I need You…”
I need Him.
Bottom line. That’s all I know today. That’s all I know tonight. That’s my only answer.
Because right now, my wants and other people’s opinions don’t really matter.
The only thing I know tonight is that I need Him.