It’s that time again. It always happens around this time of year, like Last Year. I’m not sure what it is but something in me just says Sara, it’s time to deactivate Facebook for a few weeks. And I resist and whine and think “What am I gonna do without Facebook?”
Well, I’m going to exercise, eat right, read books, knit, do work, organize, clean… All without Facebook. And if someone wants to be my friend and invite me to do something… they can text or email me. What a revolutionary idea, right? I think so too.
This deep pondering started in me this week when I noticed some things about my heart and my priorities. Instead of grieving over People who whisper the name of Jesus as they prepare to lose their heads, I’m caught up in what color that dress is, and Llamas running amok. I’m distracted. I’m lazy. I flounder. I waste time scrolling through meaningless pages of Facebook, of people’s lives, wanting to be like them, wanting what they have, coveting. I watch as they get married, go on dates, have fun, intoxicate themselves with the fun of life and I am consumed. Consumed.
The wickedness revealed in my own heart was something I came face to face with yesterday at the gym. It was very emotional. The gym of all places. I met my trainer there, whom I only meet once a week or once every two weeks, due to my budget. As we started out on the treadmill I felt exhausted. I felt so tired, my legs were giving way, I didn’t have the strength or vitality to run 2 easy miles. TWO. That’s it. When we went on to lunges and then to pushups, she stood me up and looked in my face.
What are you doing, Sara? What did you eat today? How much have you slept? You need to take care of yourself. You can DO THIS. I’ve seen you do more. You CAN.
As I watched her lips move in front of me and digested her words, tears slipped down my face. I came face to face with the reality that it’s not just my BODY that i’m not taking care of, it’s my SOUL. Once I realized that, the grief hit deep. I started thinking about what my focus was. Why I felt so aimless- not just in the gym with my training for the triathlon, but I felt aimless at work in front of the computer, every morning in front of my bible, on my knees in prayer. Aimless in prayer.
Kelsi, my trainer, kept on… she may have said other words but here’s what I heard: Your head and heart are not in this. It looks like it’s a job to you. You used to LOVE exercising and taking care of yourself. Where’s your joy?
Where IS my joy? This does feel like a job! Eating feels like a job. Cooking feels like job. Crying out on my knees before the Lord of hosts feels like a job. Offensive to the Lord of all lords! If my heart isn’t in it, what am I doing? How am I worshiping him? And if I’m NOT worshiping Him, who and what am I worshiping? How am I taking time out to love on Him? Serve Him? Rest in Him? What am I doing?
Her concern was for my health, but it really went so much deeper than that for me.
So i’m taking a break from Facebook to… get right again. To memorize scripture, to pray, to exercise and learn to love it again. To have FUN in Him! I can be and do so much more than I am doing and being right now. I can be better- I need to take care of myself and bask in Him before I can do anything else. I can gain energy back spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally.
I can gain different priorities. I can prioritize my life to think about those 21 whisperers of Jesus, to pray and intercede on behalf of those across the world being struck down for faith in a Living God as I live for God. I cannot do this if I’m not taking care of myself. If i’m too tired to. I must change something.
I must change today.