Meaningless Sorries….

I get home, the sun has long set. Watson, laying in the crate pretending he doesn’t see me. But I see it. His hope. His tail lifts itself to get ready, a wag waiting to greet me.

watson.jpg

I’m so sorry, baby Watson! I’m so sorry!

He doesn’t comprehend my apologies, he just knows I love him. I take him out the crate and cradle him, tears on my face. The longest day ever. My tired eyes closing, wishing for sleep already.

I’m sorry, baby! I’m so sorry! 

He wiggles out of my dramatic grip and pounces toward his bone, holding it in his mouth he waits for me to leash him before we go on our stroll.

As I head out the door with Watson by my side, I turn around to shut the door and cringe. I look around at my disordered house, the dishes piling in the sink, clean ones in the washer. Me, too tired. I’m too tired.

I’m sorry. I whisper to my roommate sleeping upstairs above me. One of the millions of apologies i’ve given to her this week.

I know I let it get out of hand, but I feel like i’m always on the go. When I’m not working, I’m at home in the kitchen cooking so I have something to eat and by the time I’ve got food on the table for me, I’m too tired. It’s 9:00pm. My bedtime. I put the dishes by the sink, leave them on the table. Taking off clothes as I head upstairs with Watson not bothering to be modest, I try to swing clothes around like they’re his toys. I’ve found if I make it a game for him, I don’t feel as guilty about my long day. My longer night.

The nights are long. I get in bed at 9:00 exhausted, but sleepless. I stare at the ceiling, stare at Watson and when I finally drift to sleep, he stands up and starts to play.

The nights are so long.

I try to sleep with him playing next to me and surrender. So we play until I can no longer play. As I finally drift back to sleep, he jumps off the bed and onto the floor. I wake up, automatically, getting up to see if he’s okay and bring him back to bed. You must stay, little Watson! You must stay! I give him a peck on his head, right between his eyes. They slowly shut as he drifts to sleep. I climb back in bed with him and will myself to sleep.

The nights are so long.

My alarm goes off at 4:00 am.

I get up, make coffee, do lesson plans, work on work that needs to be done, read the scriptures, pray the best I can and time runs out. My prayers end, I’m sorry, Lord. 

The days are so short.

I feel tired. Still. I flail. My constant apologies ring out wherever I go. A life fully of messy apologies flung to every corner and crevice. Cluttered. Like my house, my heart, my sorries.

Sara, you’re late. 

I’m so sorry.

Sara, you cut that guy off in traffic. 

I’m so sorry.

Sara, you forgot to meet me when we said we would meet. 

I’m so sorry.

Sara, Why haven’t you text me back? 

I’m so, so sorry.

My endless sorries ring out to the edges of the earth and they lose their meaning as I feel demands on every side. They lose their meaning when I stop feeling sorry for being late. I stop feeling sorry for not texting a person back, not attending yet another event, for not doing things that I know I should do. I say yes to the people I cherish most and no to the things that I can’t. I try my best, arriving and still saying Sorry, kicking myself because that person is too precious to hear my sorries. I stop feeling sorry and start either silently doing what I know I need to do or speaking up and saying no to the things I know I can’t do.

NO. No, I will not make that meeting on time. No. I cannot do this for you. No, Can we try another day? No, I cannot go out today. No, I will not work out with you, Why? because I only have enough energy to workout with me today. I only have enough energy to workout with me without communicating whilst i’m exercising. My energy is limited.

My resounding yes’s and my resounding no’s mean far more than my sorries ever will.

So I go back to my house. I enter the door. I look at the dishes determined. I will do the dishes. I will clean the kitchen and I will not be sorry.

dirtydishes

(Thank google for the pic)

I will walk Watson without apologizing to him. He has to know that I cannot be a stay at home dog mom- as awesome as that would be.

Instead of saying “Sorry”, I want to change- and I want change to be lasting, not just a few weeks. I want my change to last a lifetime to make up for the lifetime of sorries that i’ve spent.

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About scarmich

A girl in her 20's looking at love, life, and laughter in the mundane.

2 responses to “Meaningless Sorries….

  1. mom

    Boo! Sounds like you need to slow down and smell the roses! 🙂

  2. Pingback: Month Madness Mania: April 2015 Edition | I am Sara, See me RAWR!

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